notes from august 2nd

the journey to the lighthouse, an incomplete record

3.01AM

there was an abandoned village, but it's now under construction as part of a heritage park. it's a shame i couldn't visit some of the abandoned houses. 

4.05AM

I dropped my mouse into the ocean. 

4:17AM

I'm feeling extremely nihilistic. I'm sitting alone, by the seaside, this time with a luggage and no food. 

It almost looks as if I am trying to go away, be alone, and lock myself away on an island for the rest of my life—no company, no friends.

What's the point of it all? 

It's absurd. 

I was extremely excited about this idea at first, but now all I feel is "why am I doing this. what good can possibly come out of this? I should hang out with my friends. Go on some dates."

anyways, now that that's out of my system, it's time to listen to some of my favourite music while I wait for daybreak. 

This is what I hear:

4.29

I wonder if the act of observation and recording transforms the experience into something else entirely. If I am recording something, there is always an *other*—someone, who isn't myself, peering in. right? 

4:45

googling "is it okay to steal a boat"

5:47

it's five and i am just so sleepy. I'm sitting on the edge of this stump facing the sea and with each breath I feel like I'm about to slump over and hit the rocks beneath.

6:01 

this is the trouble with plans. you make plans that sound great on paper but once you get there it sucks. my neck hurts, I'm sweaty, and I am just so so sleepy, and I'm here waiting for a boat which I don't even know exists. 

if my home were right beside me, I'd fall asleep into my welcoming bed right away. 

6:40AM

maybe I should make a sign for 燈籠洲$140

7:40 

maybe I should just give up

this is ridiculous. what am I even doing here

this is bad. I really want to give up.

8.40

I'm not gonna give up. I'm never giving up.

6.00pm

Well. Found a lady who took me but the place I landed WASNT the right place, and there was NO PATH to the platform. so I had to put my luggage on the raft and swim over and the waves were big and I had my computer and shit... fuckin SUCKED AND I finally made it 8 hours later. I'm going to bed. hopefully better day tomorrow.

(texting my sister:) "i have shelter now"
"i'm sleeping now"
"it was so difficult to get here"
"i feel terrible i'm so glad i can sleep at last"

next day, august 3rd

6:39am

this was a horrible idea I wanna sleep forever

10:17am

today i feel dizzy and also paranoid. i slept for forever, probably because it wasn’t good sleep, though i had many dreams. i turned and flipped often. 

i heard the sound of metal clinking and (what seemed to me, ,in my delirious state, extremely loud) sounds like a helicopter. i thought someone had seen me or was concerned for my safety and called a helicopter. i was in fear. all this effort only to say to a rescue/police team 

“hey how can i help you”
“are you here on official business?"
“…no”
“well this is off-limits. you will need to leave.”

i keep hearing the helicopter circling the island. my gut churned. 

i heard metal clinking. (oh shit they’re at the gate.) silence. 

i hear the police loudspeaker sound, loud but unintelligible. “oh shit they’re telling me to turn myself in.”

fuck. is there really a helicopter? i think back to the ghibli movies i'd watched, of all the courageous and earnest protagonists. would they be holed up in the cabin, or climb the lookout and risk being seen? fuck it. better know someone's coming than to be blind to the enemy. 

i climb up to the lighthouse. one step at a time. slippery. no helicopter. what i was hearing was just the sounds i’d heard all day; of boats. 

the light inside the lighthouse

1.37pm

yesterday, i thought “i’m not gonna fucking give up. i’m not gonna give up. i’m not gonna give up. i should quit. shut up.”

once you’re on the path and you’re on the very island where your dream resides, you don’t fucking give up. 

push through. push through. 

when i arrived, i disembarked on the wrong side of the island. what looked to be a large port only headed straight into dense forest, so thick that you couldn’t see more than two metres ahead. i might be able to machete my way to the lighthouse, but i do not have a machete. 

thank god there’s rocks by the seaside. i’d be able to get through this way, right? 

there’s hope! this is traversable! now i don’t know how i’m going to get my laptop and my water and everything else over, but it’s traversable!  

2:14pm

a friend lent me her well wishes the day before yesterday. she convinced me to bring some first aid, and some basic food. my fingertips and my thighs and backside are scratched up from the beds of spiky shells on the rocks and my books are wet holy hell. thank god for her.

//// the next two days weren't very eventful. i slept, i woke up, i sat, i read a little, listened to music, but that was it. it was good to leave that island.

aug 6, 6:31pm

i suddenly had so way more energy after i knew it was time to leave

fin